Goals of program include limiting unnecessary information requests, reducing Councilmember Miles Traveled (CMT)
The City Council’s Central Staff announced today a new plan to install tolling of Councilmembers and legislative staff who choose to use the hallway on the east side of City Hall’s second floor. Forgoing 20th century toll booths, automatic censors and cameras would automatically assess tolls to individuals who choose to walk south of Room 265, the Al Rochester Conference Room.
Department staff and visitors are encouraged to buy electronic “Good for Dough” passes. Individuals without a pass would be identified by camera and toll charges delivered to the appropriate office by Central Staff administrative support. (Much more after the jump.)
“Let me preface this by saying it is difficult for me to imagine a scenario in which an unreasonable person could not come up with a single good reason against implementing this system,” said Central Staff Director Ben Noble, qualifiedly. “This will reduce requests for research that we all know will be forgotten by tomorrow. It will force the Councilmembers to walk through hallways accessible to the general public. Nobody loses. And, of course, Central Staff wins big—like we always do.”
The censors will be placed inside two refurbished electronic singing largemouth bass for aesthetic appeal. The size and shape of the fish will be subject to two-thirds approval from the City’s Arts Commission or a thumbs-up by Frank Video, whichever comes first. Upon triggering the toll, the largemouth bass will sing the chorus of Tom Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More,” subject to approval of one member of the City’s Music Commission, regardless of sobriety at the time of approval.
Free access would still be provided to Central Staff Supervisor Rebecca Herzfeld, whose office entrance lies directly across from the Al Rochester Conference Room in Room 266. “This is a conscious decision by Central Staff to encourage more questions regarding land use policy,” said Herzfeld. “But, frankly, our best predictive analysis shows this exemption as having no practical effect on traffic.”
The censors will also be equipped to recognize common dress patterns, from fleece jackets to patched elbows and high levels of starch. Such technology is necessary in case rumors prove true that Councilmembers will try an end run around the system by wearing monkey masks, rendering their facial features unidentifiable.
“You put me in charge of the department budget and I’m going to find you some money,” Noble added. “That’s just what I do.”
Courtsey Nate Van Duzer, faux journalist. Seattle City Council meetings are cablecast and Webcast live on Seattle Channel 21 and on the City Council’s website. Copies of legislation, Council meeting calendar, and archives of news releases can be found on the City Council website. Follow the Council on Twitter and on Facebook.